Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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