Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
