i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
