I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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