she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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