dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
ttyl tear gas
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
