Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
