Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
