Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
