True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
