Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
