so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
