Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
