I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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