the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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