I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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