i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
