The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
