We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I have post one night stand depression
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