The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
