All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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