The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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