the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
