So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sobbing to NWA
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