i think my mom watched the whole time
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Randomize
