I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
