When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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