I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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