hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
