im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
