the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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