i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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