How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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