I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
