I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
