So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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