i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
