she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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