someone threw a dead crab at me
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
