My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
