Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
