we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
