So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
