i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
