I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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