I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
