The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
