I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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