Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
