my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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